Deservability

So much self-sabotage comes back to deservability.

It's the sabotage we wreak upon ourselves when we don't
HALT (discern whether we're Hungry, Angry, Lonely or
Tired), take our pulse and take care of what we need,
right now.

This well of undeservability springs from so many ancient
messages. Our families, schools and churches; the media
triggering our inner voices of "not good enough-ness" if
we're not wearing the right brand; or even the kids in
the schoolyard who laughed and pointed if we were
different in the slightest.

If we couldn't run as fast, or kick the ball the correct way;
even if we looked funny.

Deservability.

Why are we not able to demonstrate some generosity of
spirit to ourselves, and project it outward to others, as well?

Why this continuous whipping, beating, prodding and
flagellating ourselves with insane psychological torture?
Why the madness?

Whatever self-hatred we harbor within eventually spills out
onto the earth as blame, pollution, war, even annihilation
if we don't shift to self-awareness, self-acceptance,
self-respect and self-love. First one by one, and then by
the millions.

In the past, my non-deservability attacks often occurred
on vacations with my significant other. Can you envision
a better place for self-sabotage?

Did I really deserve to be in such a lovely environment with
someone who loved me, and cared very much for my
health and happiness?

Apparently not, because before too long I'd pick a fight,
make him wrong, manage to wreck the vacation and
sometimes even the relationship.

Invariably, each deservability blip would drive another
nail into the coffin of that romance. I hated myself
while I was engaged in this destructive mode.

However, because I had "gone unconscious" I had lost
contact with with my true self, and lost control.

Eventually I became more conscious and stopped that
relationship sabotage.

But it was only the process of learning to love myself
that permitted me to demonstrate love and acceptance
to others.


--excerpted from my multi-
award winning inspirational book
BACK TO THE GARDEN:
Getting from Shadow to Joy